Now
Reads Better
Perhaps its just my inner
cynic, but there’s
something about the words “new
and improved!” that
make me inherently suspicious.
It’s like when you’re
driving down the road and
you pass a restaurant that
has a sign out front proclaiming “under
new management!” To
me it’s pretty obvious
that the only reason you
would need to declare that
an establishment was under
new management is if it’s
pretty a uniform conclusion
that the old management really
sucked. Thus the “under
new management” sign
is really nothing more than
an advertisement inviting
folks to come back and try
it again now that the previous
louts have been thrown out.
“Look honey, there’s
that little restaurant where
we went that one time.”
“Yeah – I’d
never go back there The waiter
picked his nose, the food
was undercooked and they
overcharged us.”
“Yes, but now it’s
under NEW management. Maybe
we should give it another
chance!”
In the grocery store the “new
and improved” slogans
often reveal the truth behind
the need for change. “Now
works better!” means
that the product didn’t
work as advertised and people
were pretty disappointed. “New,
improved formula!” indicates
that whatever it was, it
wasn’t as good as people
had hoped. “Now with
10% more!” is their
way of acknowledging that
they know that most people
felt like they got ripped
off last time. And “New
packaging, same great product
inside!” means they
just paid a bunch of money
to consultants who concluded
that the major barrier between
them and a larger share of
the market is the attractiveness
of their package and, while
new artwork will lure in
new customers like lemmings
to the sea, it also might
freak out the people who
currently like the product
because they’ll think
it’s changed.
My favorite, of course,
is “Now better tasting!” which
is exactly what it proclaims
in a bright yellow starburst
on the package of my Friendly’s “Ice
Cream Sandwich” flavored
ice cream. Rather than reassure
me about my purchase, it
actually made me pause to
wonder exactly how bad a
train wreck the old “Ice
Cream Sandwich” flavor
really was.
The assumption in all of
these situations is that
people who have had a bad
experience with a product
will, with enough reassurance,
be willing to give it a second
chance. Now I don’t
know about you, but when
it comes to things I eat,
I’m generally not that
forgiving. It took me well
over a decade to even take
a bite of a Burger King burger
after a particularly nasty
gristle experience in high
school, and no matter how
hung over I may be, you will
never ever find me reaching
for any of those generic
flavored tortilla chips that
taste less like Doritos and
more like the triangular
pieces of cardboard sprinkled
with taco seasoning that
they are.
Honestly, there’s
no combination of the words “new” and “improved” splashed
on a package in any font
over any starburst that will
ever convince me otherwise.
This
Essay © 2006 Lee Totten
Next Essay: February 28,
2006
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