Useless
Statistics
I
always find the end of the
year to be a little annoying
– so much hoopla about
nothing (see last
year’s column).
My mood is not generally helped
any by the number of television
programs, cable channels,
newspapers, magazines and
radio stations that feel then
need to mark the occasion
with a top-10 list, or moody
montages about the year that
was. I mean, I lived the year
– I don’t really
need to relive it. And I could
care less who “Cujo”
thinks are the top-10 best
dressed celebrities of the
year. Where did this guy come
from anyway?
But
then it occurred to me that
they probably do these stupid
collections of useless statistics
because it’s a really
easy way at the end of the
year to generate content,
to fill the airtime, or to
maximize the column inches.
So with deadline fast approaching
on the final Ramblings of
2003, I bring you a random
collection of my own useless
statistics. Enjoy.
Number
of columns written in 2003:
19
Number that were supposed
to be written: 26
Number of excuses I have for
the missing 7 columns: Zero,
but really, until someone
starts paying me to produce
columns, I don’t need
one
Number
of encouraging notes from
Andy Woodland in 2002:
3
Number of encouraging
notes from Andy Woodland in
2003: 0
Number
of shows played in 2002: 140
Number of shows played
in 2003: 0
Number of shows I
hope to play in 2004:
anything more than 2003
Number of times per
day I bang my head against
the wall because my voice
is still not healed: dozens
Number
of Jager shots consumed any
year between 1998-2002 (average):
600
Number of Jager shots
consumed in 2003:
3
Number of days I thought
about consuming a Jager shot
in 2003: 365
Number
of Christmas cards I’ve
received: 46
Number I’ve
mailed: 0
Number I intended
to mail: 46
Number of weeks until
I do mail them: 2-4
Number
of rejection letters from
major syndicates received
in 2003: 3
Number of rejection
letters from literary agents:
26
Amount I’m bothered:
not at all
Number of copies of
my “Ramblings”
syndication and book proposals
I now have littering my house:
12
Amount
of money Dave Barry made writing
his column in 2003: millions
Amount I made writing
my column in 2003:
zero
Amount I’m bothered:
whatever – he’s
still older than me
Number of times I’ll
mention Dave Barry in my column:
as many times as
necessary until he invites
me to guest write one of his
columns
Average
number of regular Ramblings
subscribers: 450
Average number of
bounced emails each issue:
6
Average number of
people who ask to unsubscribe
each issue because they never
realized they signed up for
it: 1
Average number of
people per issue who undoubtedly
wonder WHY they subscribe
to it: 50 (estimated)
Average number who
wondered why they read this
whole list of useless statistics:
everyone who got this far
Number
of words left to fill this
column: zero
This
Essay © 2003 Lee Totten
Next Essay: January 13, 2004
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