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Reflections
From The Mall
I
have generally made a habit
of avoiding shopping malls
at Christmas time. Years of
experience has taught me that
I can get as much done in
the half-empty shopping mall
between 7 and 8PM on Christmas
Eve as I could if I spent
all day at the mall the Saturday
before the holiday. Besides,
to skip Christmas Eve shopping
would be to miss one of the
great Y chromosome experiences,
a male bonding ritual where
frenzied guys struggle to
get inside the minds of their
female companions in an attempt
to understand what they truly
desire or, at the very least,
what they will be satisfied
with.
So
when my own female companion
recently made it clear that
what she truly desired was
for me to accompany her to
the mall the Saturday before
Christmas my response was
the extremely ambivalent “Um.”
It’s not so much that
she wants me to shop with
her as much as she wants someone
to talk AT while she shops.
In the eight long hours that
followed I had ample opportunity
to reflect on the holiday
season....
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Why
do people spend thirty
minutes cruising the parking
lot looking for the idea
parking spot? It must
be the “thrill”
of having a close spot
that drives these folks
because in the same amount
of time that they waste
inching up and down aisles
with their blinker perpetually
on they could have parked
in the open spots three
miles away, walked to
the mall, AND had time
to laugh at all the dorks
inching up and down the
aisles with their blinkers
perpetually on....
-
How
come shopping malls have
shopping carts? You know
it’s bad when you
pull your child out of
the stroller and carry
him simply to make more
room in the stroller for
all the stuff you bought.
-
Exactly
how much time do the advertising
departments of stores
spend coming up with new
names for the same sale?
One week it’s the
pre-Thanksgiving Sale,
the next the post-Thanksgiving
Sale. Then there’s
the Winter Sale, the Barn-Buster
Sale, the pre-Christmas
Sale, the Last Minute
Sale and the post-Christmas
Sale. It seems like someone
is trying to “sell”
us on the notion that
these are, in fact, individual
events, rather than the
same stuff at the same
price for a month and
a half.
-
How
is it that a holiday built
on the notion of happiness
and good will makes so
many people so miserably
cranky? Maybe next year
we should TRULY make our
friends and family happy
by telling them we don’t
want gifts...
-
Tell
me again why most Jews
don’t celebrate
Christmas? I mean, I understand
that Christianity did
its best to convince the
world that Christmas was
a religious holiday based
around the birth of Christ
and since Jews don’t
accept Christ as the son
of God, then they might
be dubious about celebrating
his birth. But lets face
facts – Christmas
was celebrated by a different
name long before Christ
was born which is good
since it doesn’t
seem like Christ was born
in the winter anyway.
Besides Christmas returned
to being a secular holiday
(Christian-speak for non-religious)
several decades ago when
Santa and the major retailers
joined forces. Let’s
stop pretending it’s
meant to be more than
that to the non-Christians
and enjoy the holiday
as a time to share happiness
with our friends and family.
A menorah and a Christmas
tree, I say.
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After
6 hours “I’m
not sure, what do you
think” ceases to
be an acceptable answer
when your wife asks your
opinion. Just a warning.
If
you need me, I’ll be
spiking the egg nog with Jager.
In the meantime, happy holidays
to you and yours.
This
Essay © 2003 Lee Totten
Next Essay: December 30, 2003
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