Be
Careful Reading This
So
I’m watching television
when this commercial for a
laxative comes on.... The
premise is simple –
visitors to Yellowstone National
Park want to know why Old
Faithful erupts so regularly.
The park ranger claims that
no one knows and then, when
the guests are gone, secretly
pours Metamucil down into
the geyser. Nudge nudge, wink
wink, get it?
But
here’s the thing –
as the pretend park ranger
pours the product into the
pretend geyser, a warning
flashes on the screen that
reads: “Dramatization
— Please Obey Park Service
Rules.”
Now
I have no problem with wanting
folks to respect park rules,
but is there someone out there
who really believes we’re
so amazingly stupid that we
need to be reminded not to
pour laxatives into a geyser?
Apparently
so. As it turns out, the warnings
were added after the National
Park Service became concerned
that people would imitate
the ad. Reflect on that for
a moment and it becomes pretty
insulting.
I
mean, I was a little suspicious
when they started putting
giant warning labels on cigarettes.
I understand the theory –
put cheering sayings like
“Smoking may cause cancer”
on the carton and some smoker,
unswayed by both years of
media attention and common
sense, might read it and suddenly
realize that breathing in
smoke every hour isn’t
quite as healthy as they originally
thought. But seriously - if
you’re inhaling burning
leaves I’m going to
say you have to assume there’s
a certain degree of risk.
It
got a little more ridiculous
when they began to label lawn
equipment. Did you know that
if you stick your hand under
the mower while it’s
running, that giant spinning
metal blade could cut off
your arm? Go figure. Just
imagine how many appendages
might have been saved if only
we’d been warned sooner.
A
line was clearly crossed when
they started putting warnings
on plastic bags. I mean, yes,
if a kid sticks their head
in a plastic bag they could
suffocate. But are we really
suggesting that the parents
of America lack the common
sense to keep their kids from
sticking their heads in plastic
bags? And was it really necessary
to put a warning on each of
the 40 air-filled plastic
tubes designed to cushion
the shipment of my new computer?
How
dumb do they think we are
when the have to warn us that
our Duraflame logs are flammable?
How fragile are we when our
music carries warning labels
to protect us from bad words?
And exactly how clueless are
we assumed to be when we have
to be warned that our coffee
is served hot?
But
then consider that the coffee
warning is there because some
woman who, despite 79 years
of life on the planet, apparently
never learned to be careful
with hot coffee. Upon learning
this rather painful lesson
she chose to blame the restaurant
for not telling her that the
fresh, hot coffee she ordered
was, in fact, hot.
It
makes you think that perhaps
warning us about dumping Metamucil
down geysers may be giving
us exactly the credit we deserve.
This
Essay © 2003 Lee Totten
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