The
Check In The Mail
You
would think that the IRS would
be able to afford two different
kinds of envelopes for its
correspondence with taxpayers.
For those friendly notes from
your local revenue agent saying
‘thanks for filing’
or ‘nice job filling
out that form’ the envelope
would be bright and cheerful,
making it perfectly clear
that the letter you’re
receiving contains good news.
The
other type of IRS envelope
should, of course, make it
painfully evident from the
get go that you are in trouble.
Big trouble.
It
was about this time last year
that I received a non-descript
business-like envelope from
the IRS. Even before I’d
opened it I was having panicked
flashbacks to the time when
I was in college and my father
and I both claimed me as an
exemption on our taxes. Of
course the IRS being the IRS,
we didn’t find out that
we had made the error until
four years later when a similarly
nondescript envelope showed
up containing a letter that
began “Dear Taxpayer”
and said, more or less, “Hey,
one of you owes us $590 –
send it now or else.”
So
it was with some trepidation
that I opened the letter last
year and found out that it
too began “Dear Taxpayer.”
Then it went on to say that
they had received my tax forms
in the mail but that there
was an error - I hadn’t
signed my return - and if
I would just be kind enough
to fix the problem then everything
would be fine.
My
racing heart returned back
to normal speed as I grabbed
a post office pen-on-a-chain,
signed the paper, sealed the
envelope and sent that sucker
right back.
Months
passed before all of a sudden
I received yet another non-descript
business-like envelope from
the IRS. “Dear Taxpayer,”
it began “it seems you’ve
made an error.” It went
on to explain that I had apparently
overpaid my taxes, and enclosed
was a check for the amount
of the difference. Now normally
checks in the mail are great
causes of celebration (especially
while waiting for the voice
to heal) but I have to confess
that I’d rather NOT
receive checks from the IRS.
It’s
not so much that I don’t
want the money - I’d
just rather not receive ANY
mail from the IRS. The fact
is that my system of retaining
receipts can best be described
as, um, chaotic and I don’t
want to have to learn the
details of how my accountant
arrives at the number at the
bottom of the form every year.
Plainly put, I’d rather
the IRS sees me as just one
of millions of anonymous taxpayers,
not as some guy who gets so
much IRS correspondence that
it might be worth a personal
visit. If that means I won’t
get anymore surprise checks
in the mail from the IRS,
that’s fine.
Well,
unless the checks come in
brightly colored envelopes
so I know from the get go
that what’s inside is
good news. That would be okay.
This
Essay © 2003 Lee Totten
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