Happy
Birthday
I really do believe that there
should be some sort of a national
declaration allowing each
of us to claim our own birthdays
as a personal holiday. A holiday,
of course, would mean no work
and, really, no one should
have to work on their birthday.
But
why stop there? You should
get other perks on your special
day as well – be allowed
to go ten miles an hour over
the speed limit, have permission
to drive in the HOV lane even
with no one else in the car,
or be able to park in those
silly “Expectant Mother”
spaces. If the police happen
to pull you over you’d
just tell them it was your
birthday and they’d
have to let you go. The officer
could always check your license
if he or she didn’t
believe you.
Maybe
the government should also
take the money from one or
two state dinners and invest
it in a “frozen treat”
fund so you can enjoy an ice
cream cake on your birthday
compliments of the good ol’
US of A.. Heck, the IRS knows
our addresses and birthdays
– let them handle it.
A few days before your birthday
you’d receive a card
from the IRS personally signed
by an agent and containing
your ice cream cake certificate.
Simply bring it in to any
ice cream cake vendor and
savor a birthday treat compliments
of your tax dollars.
Maybe
they could even have a government
sponsored raffle too –
take all the names of everyone
having a birthday on any given
day and put them in a big
hat. Draw out the winners
and give them a new car, or
a ride on Air Force One or
something. Surely the Pentagon
still has a few overpriced
toilet seats somewhere they
can donate.
There’s
got to be something we can
do to make birthdays fun again.
Somewhere between childhood
and adulthood birthdays became...
almost boring.
You
remember what it was like
when you were a kid, don’t
you? Your birthday and Christmas,
Christmas and your birthday
– the axis around which
your entire child year revolved.
Those were the only two national
holidays. Never mind that
Christmas is technically a
religious holiday and therefore
couldn’t really be a
national holiday – that’s
silly adult logic. Christmas
has presents. Your birthday
has presents. Ergo, the two
best days of the year. End
of story.
As
grown ups, we get more excited
about a day like “Presidents
Day” than our birthday
because a) our birthday reminds
us of our advancing age and
b) at least we get President’s
Day off. I don’t even
know which presidents we’re
celebrating on President’s
day, but I look forward to
an excuse to do nothing on
a Monday.
It’s
sad, really. Birthdays should
still be magic. It should
be a day of pampering, presents,
friends, birthday cake with
soda, and helium balloons.
Plus lots of perks like driving
fast and free ice cream cakes
from the IRS. And I’m
not just saying this because
my birthday is coming up soon.
Honest.
This
column © 2003 Lee Totten.
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