The
Shizzolator
I
am absolutely in love with
the internet. Like most in
my generation, I literally
grew up with both computers
and MTV. And as a generation
known for our short attention
spans, love of technology,
and general curiosity, it
should come as no surprise
that we take to the world
wide web like a cyber-fish
in cyber-water. Right there
at our fingertips are millions
of pages of information and,
when we're bored a moment
later, a simple click takes
us to millions of other pages.
And
as I've mentioned many times
before, the internet is amazingly
practical. Want to know how
to build a workbench? No problem.
Want to know how to say "hello"
in Cantonese? Easy. Want free
porn? Search for "chicken
breasts" and you'll find
some. Whether you're researching
exactly what the heck the
'Nones of December' are or
trying to learn more about
Jack Kerouac, the internet
is chocked full of useful
websites and information.
But
this is not a column about
the useful side of the internet.
This is a column about those
utterly useless websites that
in a world devoid of "www"
would simply never exist.
It's a column about sites
like The Hamster Dance (www.hamsterdance.org),
Cats Singing Led Zeppelin
(www.rathergood.com/vikings/)
or The Key Lime Cafe (www.keylimecafe.com).
Plain and simple, it's a column
about sites like The Shizzolator
(www.asksnoop.com).
Now
if you think Snoop Dogg is
that funny dog from Charles
Shultz's "Peanuts"
then, well, The Shizzolator
may not make much sense. But
if you're down with the D-O-double-G,
you'd already know that Snoop
is an insanely successful
rap/hip-hop artist known as
much for his brutally honest
lyrics as his, um, rather
unusual way of speaking. It
would be fair to say that
even in the hip hop world,
rife with it's own unique
colloquialisms, Snoop's way
of talking is literally a
language unto itself. He makes
Ozzy Osbourne look like a
diction coach.
Thus
the Shizzolator - a handy-dandy
website put up by Snoop's
record company that allows
you to take any other website
and "Shizzolate"
it - translate it into the
way that Snoop would say it.
Seemingly harmless sites like
CNN.com suddenly read like
a hip-hop album. PBSKids.org
needs a parental advisory.
And this column... well, you
can see for yourself what
this column turns into.
I
bet my former English professors
would be proud.
Is
it practical to have "Shizzolated"
my entire column? Heck no.
Was it a giant waste of time?
More than you know. Think
about the millions of people
who have wasted valuable company
time Shizzolating websites.
Think about the hours that
went into the coding of the
script that substitutes Snoop's
phrases for mine. The Shizzolator
is a colossus waste of time.
But
in many ways, this is one
of the joys of the internet
- an utterly useless site
devoted to nothing but entertainment.
And in a world that is getting
increasingly dangerous, you
might as well have as much
fun as you can.
Know
what I mean?
This
column © 2002 Lee Totten.
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