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Da
Shizzolator
(to
read the unshizzed version
click
here )
I am absolutely in love wit
da internizzle n' s**t. Like
most in my generation, I literally
grew up wit both computers
'n MTV n' s**t. And as a generation
known fo' our short attention
spans, love of technology,
'n general curiosity, that
shiznit should come as no
surprise that we take to da
wizzorld wide web like a cyber-fish
in cyber-H-2-Izzle n' s**t.
Right there at our fingertips
be millions of pages of information
'n, when we're bored a moment
later, a simple click takes
us to millions of other pages.
And, as I've mentioned many
times before, da internizzle
is amazingly practical. Want
to know how to build a workbench?
No problem, know what I'm
sayin'? Want to know how to
be like "hello"
in Cantonese? Easy, know what
I'm sayin'? Want fo' freezy
porn? Search fo' "chicken
breastisis" 'n yo' a**'ll
find some, know what I'm sayin'?
Whether yo' a**'re researching
exactly what da heck da 'Nones
of December' be or trying
to learn mo' 'bout Jack Kerouac,
da internizzle is chocked
full of useful websites 'n
information, know what I'm
sayin'?
But
this is not a column 'bout
da useful siiiiide of da internizzle,
know what I'm sayin'? This
is a column 'bout those utterly
useless websites that, in
a wizzorld devoid of "www",
would simply never exist.
That shiznit's a column 'bout
sites like Da Hamster Dance
(www.hamsterdance.org), Cats
Singing Led Zeppelin (www.rathergood.com/vikings/)
or Da Key Lime Cafe (www.keylimecafe.com),
know what I'm sayin'? Plain
'n simple, that shiznit's
a column 'bout sites like
Da Shizzolator (www.asksnoop.com)
n' s**t.
Now
if yo' a** think Snoopy D-O-double
Gizzle is that funny d-o-g
from Charles Shultz's "Peanuts"
then, well, Da Shizzolator
may not make much sense n'
s**t. But if yo' a**'re down
wit da D-O-double-G, yo' a**'d
already know that Snoopy is
an insanely successful rap/hip-hop
artist known as much fo' tha
dude's brutally honest lyrics
as tha dude's, um, rather
unusual way of speaking. That
shiznit would be fair to be
like that even in da hip hop
wizzorld, rife wit that shiznit's
own unique colloquialisms,
Snoopy's way of talking is
literally a language unto
itself, know what I'm sayin'?
Tha dude makes Ozzy Osbizzourne
peep like a diction coach
n' s**t.
Thus
da Shizzolator - a handy-dandy
website put up by Snoopy's
record company that allows
yo' a** to take any other
website 'n "Shizzolate"
that shiznit - shizzolate
that shiznit into da way that
Snoopy would be like that
shiznit. Seemingly harmless
sites like LBC.com suddenly
read like a hip-hop album.
PBSKids.org suddenly need
a parental advisory n' s**t.
And this column n' s**t. ..
well, yo' a** can see fo'
yourself what this column
turns into.
I
bet my former English professors
would be proud n' s**t.
Is
that shiznit practical to
has "Shizzolated"
my entire column? Heck no,
know what I'm sayin'? Was
it fun? I think so. And in
a wizzorld that is getting
increasingly dangerous, yo'
a** might as well has as much
fun as yo' a** can.
Know
what I'm sayin'?
This
column © 2002 Lee Totten.
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