Raised
On Politics
I'm
not sure of the exact moment
that I realized I could never
be elected President of the
United States - it may have
been when I was underage and
drinking at college, or during
the third piercing of my ear,
or maybe even the time I sent
my cable bill in late back
in 1992. Regardless it's pretty
clear to me that as someone
with dreadlocks and a nose
ring who has made his living
as "The Jager Guy"
for the last several years,
I stand about as much chance
of ever living in the White
House as I do of becoming
a Victoria's Secret model.
It's
not that I don't believe that
America is the land of opportunity
- au contraire, the fact that
someone can actually make
a living as "The Jager
Guy" speaks volumes -
it's just that in this age
of detailed media coverage
and hypersensitivity, you'd
have to live an absolutely
pristine life to even stand
a chance. It's almost like
you'd have to be raised and
nurtured to be a politician
from birth. You know, kind
of how they raise veal?
Which
got me to thinking about my
daughter. She's only four
years old and thus far sin-free.
With a lot of discipline and
a strict training regiment,
I may be able to mold her
into a suitable presidential
candidate by her 35th birthday.
First
I'll work to keep her morally
straight and politically accessible.
She'll attend a different
religious ceremony every Sunday
- one week a church, the next
a mosque, and then a temple.
Maybe even take a Sunday a
month off for the atheists.
She'll be a non-smoker but
compassionately supportive
of smokers, thus making her
simultaneously anti-smoking
and pro-tobacco. Dinner will
consist of free-range chickens
for the sake of the liberals,
beef for the cattle farmers,
and pork for the pork lobby.
She'll consume as much organic
food as she needs to be considered
conscientious without being
outside the mainstream. And
for the next 31 years I will
keep her under lock and key
just to make sure that there
are no forgotten nights or
indiscretions of any kind.
Next
I'll instill some media savvy.
I'll videotape daily interviews,
nurturing her to be comfortable
in front of the camera. I'll
teach her how to "work"
the medium - to convey emotion
that seems genuine to the
viewers. Of course she will
wear nothing but conservative
clothing, and her hair will
always be neatly coiffed.
Then
I'll brief her on how to be
non-committaly committed on
the issues. No matter what
your opinion is, she'll agree
with you without seeming to
disagree with the opposing
point of view. She'll be the
master of double-speak.
By
the time she's 35, she should
appeal to every demographic
and every interest without
alienating anyone. She'll
be great in front of the camera,
well spoken, and sympathetic
to every point of view, even
those that are seemingly contradictory.
In short, she will be the
perfect candidate. With no
skeletons for the media to
uncover, the presidency should
be a sure thing.
Well,
unless they find out that
she mimicked profanity once
when she was 3....
This
column © 2002 Lee Totten.
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