The
Dave Barry Problem
For
the past two weeks I've been
laboring on a proposal designed
to convince newspaper syndicates
that they should carry this
column. The theory is that
if the column were published,
there exists a small chance
that I might actually get
paid, thus affording me all
sorts of exotic luxuries like
food, electricity, and digital
cable.
Previous
attempts to break into the
syndication market have not
gone well. It seems that everybody
and his dog has a humor column
and, honestly, the dog is
working a pretty marketable
angle. Not to mention this
guy Dave Barry who is so insanely
successful that newspaper
editors seem think that there's
no room for another humor
column anywhere on the planet.
The
exchange usually goes like
this:
Me:
Hi! I have this column I'd
love to have you syndicate!
Syndicates:
Hmph. No thanks. We already
have Dave Barry.
Me:
Well, maybe you can have both..
Syndicates:
Why? Does YOUR column appear
in over 500 newspapers? Have
you written 23 best-selling
books?
Me:
(Silence).
I
understand their point - even
I love Dave Barry. He's amazingly
funny, remarkably insightful
and, perhaps most importantly,
makes gobs of money for the
newspapers.
So
I've been struggling to figure
out how to approach what I
now call "The Dave Barry
Problem" And after exhaustive
research, non-stop work sessions
and at least one good solid
hour of real effort, I believe
I have finally found his tragic
flaw:
Dave
Barry is getting old.
You
see, a few years ago Barry
wrote a book called "Dave
Barry Turns 50" which
leads me to conclude that
he may, in fact, be over fifty.
Of course with Barry, you
never know - the book could
be about his 21st birthday.
But assuming I'm right, that
would make him older than
me and perhaps I can convince
the syndicates that he's out
of touch with younger readers.
Now
for all of you over fifty,
I'm not picking on you - really.
I'm just desperate to get
a share of Dave Barry's newspapers.
Well, and his salary. I know
that none of you Baby Boomers
are "Depends Undergarment"
old because some of my best
friends are part of the Baby
Boom generation.
Okay,
okay - so technically their
PARENTS are part of the generation,
but still.... my point is
that as someone over fifty,
Barry has no choice but to
view the world a little differently
than I do. He wasn't raised
on MTV, and certainly didn't
have his first political experiences
be Reaganomics and The Gulf
War.
I
mean, c'mon - they actually
made Gulf War trading cards.
Just like baseball cards,
but with pictures of weapons
used in the wholesale slaughter
of other human beings. It's
hard not to have that distort
your world view.
The
fact remains that Dave Barry
is roughly the age of my parents,
and trust me when I tell you
that my parents and I see
the world in vastly different
ways.
My
father thinks cell phones
are a waste of money - I use
mine to email friends. My
mother checks her email by
having my dad print it out
- mine auto-downloads every
minute. They think a corporate
job would provide me with
job security, while I figure
at least as a musician, I
can't get downsized. We have
two different views of the
world, each from our own generational
perspective. Sort of like
Dave Barry and I.
So
now I'm going to try to convince
the syndicates that they need
someone to speak to my generation.
They need me to illuminate
the things that Dave Barry
can't because, well, he's
older.
Just
don't tell Barry because while
he may be over fifty, I have
the feeling he could still
kick my butt.
This
column © 2002 Lee Totten.
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