Fore!
I
am a golfer. My drives are
mammoth, I sink putts with
ease and I actually watch
the Golf Channel for fun.
Well,
not really. But I do dress
up in golf shoes and below-the-knee
Bermuda shorts and pay for
the privilege of schlepping
my golf clubs up and down
a meticulously manicured lawn.
And, when not searching through
the woods, sinking in sand
traps or attempting to retrieve
a ball from a pond, I attempt
to play something that only
more or less bears a vague
resemblance to the sport called
golf. Plus I watch the Golf
Channel for fun.
Now
I know what you're thinking:
golf? Isn't that the really
boring sport?
Indeed,
I've spent most of my life
ridiculing the sport. I wondered
vocally why the heck anyone
would ever televise such a
snooze-fest, much less have
a channel devoted to it. It
seemed like a slow, pointless
game - knock a white ball
in a little hole several hundred
yards away. Anyone can do
that.
That's
exactly what I thought last
summer when I stood in a tee
box for the very first time
preparing to drive that little
white ball directly at the
flag several hundred yards
away. "This'll be easy,"
I told myself. "Wait
until my friends see what
a quick learner I am."
Even
as I swung, I lifted my head
to watch my triumphant first
golf drive soar into the air
and head straight for the
hole....
The
only problem was that the
hole it headed for wasn't
the one I aimed at. And in
that one moment I learned
two very important lessons
about the game of golf: First
- that it's not nearly as
easy as it looks on television.
And second - always yell "Fore!"
You
see, when you slice a ball
two fairways over like I did,
you inevitably land it near
a bunch of other golfers busy
trying to figure out what
club to use. Seems the last
thing they're watching for
is flying golf balls from
some idiot several hundred
yards away playing a completely
different hole.
So
yelling "Fore!"
not only warns them, but it
also acts as an apology and
a reassurance all at the same
time. "Look out!"
you're saying. "Sorry
I hit one towards you but
I'm a good enough golfer that
I know to yell 'Fore!' so
chances are it won't happen
again."
When
it does happen again, they
get angry. Trust me.
But
not easily discouraged by
the threat of lawsuits or
bodily harm, I've been playing
regularly ever since. And
even with as much time as
I've devoted to it, so much
of the game is still a mystery
to me: Why don't they have
useful scoring terms like
"quadruple bogey?"
Why don't golfers wear helmets?
And why do people put perfectly
nice houses really close to
a golf course?
At
the heart of golf is something
very Zen - to have more control
over your game you have to
let go. You have to think
about what you're doing, but
be careful not to think too
much. You are your own competition.
But
what really draws me in is
that in the 123 shots I make
on any given afternoon there's
always at least one that,
for one brief moment, makes
me believe that I'm improving,
that I have potential, that
someday I may honestly be
able to say that I am a golfer.
So
if you're out next weekend
and you happen to hear some
guy yelling "Fore!"
just before a golf ball lands
two inches from your foot,
give a wave.
Chances
are it's me attempting to
play something that more or
less resembles golf.
This
column © 2002 Lee Totten.
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