Toast
I
am searching the internet
for information. This, of
course, is one of the best
things about the net - it's
a veritable cornucopia of
random statistics, instructions
and directions. From the luxury
of my desk chair I can search
piles of data and more or
less find anything that I'm
looking for in a matter of
minutes.
Anything,
that is, except for detailed
instructions on how to make
toast.
Want
to know the new, more accurate
height of Mount Everest? 29,035
feet. The length of the Nile?
3470 miles. The average airspeed
velocity of an unladen swallow?
Well that depends if it's
African or European.
But
nothing on how to make toast.
Now
I know what you're thinking:
what kind of an idiot actually
needs a recipe to make toast?
The instructions couldn't
be any simpler and still be
considered cooking: "Place
toast in toaster. Depress
button. Wait." In the
scope of the modern culinary
arts making toast runs a close
second to boiling water for
the title of "easiest
thing to do".
Um,
in the interest of full-disclosure
I once screwed up the whole
boiling water thing. Don't
ask. Suffice it to say I'm
the idiot who needs a recipe.
You
see I don't own a toaster,
but rather a toaster oven.
Normally it's still pretty
easy to make toast - place
the bread on the wire rack,
press the button conveniently
labeled "toast"
and wait. Perfect nearly every
time.
But
lately the toaster oven has
been acting a little odd.
Toast would come out the same
uncooked slice of bread that
I put in. Repeated attempts
to press the "toast"
button resulted in only minimal
browning. Of course being
a full-time musician I had
ample time to keep pressing
the button until something
vaguely resembling toast finally
emerged fifteen or twenty
minutes later.
However
this morning things took a
turn for the worse. When I
pressed the "toast"
button there was a loud snapping
sound accompanied by a bright
blue spark that lit up the
interior of the toaster oven.
Thinking this was cool, I
attempted to make it happen
again.
This
time no spark. And not just
no spark, but no heat. It
seems the button conveniently
labeled "toast"
may actually be, well, you
know....
Under
normal circumstances, I could
adapt - have a bowl of cereal
or maybe some yogurt. But
when you've promised a three
year old a piece of cinnamon
toast for breakfast -- trust
me on this -- you need to
deliver.
Now
I'm trying to figure out how
to make toast using just the
temperature settings on the
toaster oven and I am searching
the internet - that treasure
trove of information - to
find my answer.
Thus
far I've discovered lots of
great recipes for French toast.
I've read the history and
etiquette of giving a toast
and several examples of toasts
for all occasion. Want to
know the chemistry of what
happens when bread toasts?
Found it - the heat caramelizes
the natural sugars in the
bread and they brown on the
surface. I even discovered
the complete history of the
modern electric toaster, illustrated
and annotated.
But
explicit instructions on how
to make everyday, plain old
boring toast? Nope.
I
wonder if I can convince my
three year old that learning
the average rainfall in the
Amazon jungle is around 2000
millimeters a year is almost
as much fun as the cinnamon
toast?
I
know, I know - she won't buy
it. I'm going to be toast
if I don't figure this out.
This
column © 2002 Lee Totten.
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