Semi-Useful
Things
The
question of exactly how long
I'm going to keep my "Emeril
Lagasse's Big Easy Superbowl
XXXVI Bash Recipes" before
I finally throw them away
is not nearly as simple as
it seems.
On
the one hand, they came free
in my diet Coke and appeared,
well, interesting. "Spicy
Shrimp Po' Boys," and
"Louisiana Potato Salad"
sound like exciting alternatives
to the usual Totten household
fare of "Chicken"
or "Pasta." I like
the mental image of myself
seeding and mincing a jalapeno
pepper before sliding it gracefully
off a cutting board into a
sizzling Calphalon pan. I
can almost see myself serving
a dinner that is bold, but
with subtleties. I'll impress
my friends with my culinary
prowess and when they ask
for the recipe, I'll pretend
that I just threw it together.
On
the other hand the chances
are likely that I will never
find enough time to make any
of these recipes before I
reach a point where the cards
are in the way enough that
I finally get annoyed and
toss them.
In
the meantime, I keep them
on top of the microwave, tucked
in under the bread basket.
They exist in a nether region,
somewhere between being useful
and being trash.
Perhaps
this is the underlying theme
of my life: semi-useful things.
There are so many items that
I keep thinking that some
day I may need them. This
is why my poor friend Sean
still has a quarter of a garage
full of my stuff a full year
after I've moved in to a new
place. Clearly in a year I've
never needed a single of those
items badly enough to drive
the twenty minutes to get
it, but the thought of just
chucking whatever treasures
may be stored there? Appalling.
To
wit: I have a collection of
very short phone cords. Each
time I buy a phone I save
the little one-foot cord to
the wall jack that comes with
it because, well, there's
no sense throwing out a perfectly
good phone cord. But I already
have six or seven extras and
really, how many back-up short
phone chords do you need?
Home
electronic warranties? I've
saved them all. Never sent
a single one in, but by god
I saved them.
My
tendency towards hoarding
semi-useful things doesn't
stop at the physical level
- my brain is also a receptacle
chock full of useless knowledge
that almost seems like it
should be important. Want
to know Pi to 25 digits? 3.1415926535897932384626433.
Want to know where the yellow
smiley face was invented?
Worcester, MA. Want to know
what Jagermeister means in
German? Master hunter.
And
my career? I am a musician
who also writes a column and
dabbles in web design just
for fun. Diversity or schizophrenia
- you be the judge.
Despite
this realization, I keep accumulating
facts and items at an alarming
pace: a small cardboard box
with the BMG logo from the
Bertelsmann post Grammy party
that looks like it could be
a souvenir, the meaning of
the letters in the legendary
New York music club CBGB's.
I'm
sure my life would be much
simpler if I could just eliminate
some of the clutter. I would
probably be more productive
if I could keep only the items
that were critical to my being.
Maybe it's even essential
to my development as a complete
person that I learn to overcome
my tendency to be a hunter/gatherer
minus the hunting.
Who
am I kidding - in all my years
I've never been able to throw
away even a single stuffed
animal out of some fear of
not breaking an inanimate
object's heart. Instead I've
piled them all into a big
cardboard box where they slowly
accumulate mold....
So
maybe instead I'll simply
make a resolution - right
here, right now - not to accumulate
any more junk. I will officially
declare my house and my mind
off limits to any more useless
items or knowledge.
From
now on, I only acquire what
I absolutely need.
But
if you happen to get any of
those free AOL DVD-style cases,
please send them my way because
I have this really cool idea
about how to use them somewhere
down the road...
This
column © 2002 Lee Totten.
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