Fixin'
What Ails Ya....
(In
honor of Valentine's Day this
Thursday, RAMBLINGS presents
the following column from
which the vague semblance
of a tangent can be drawn
that only loosely relates
to anything having to do with
the Valentine's holiday but
considering we're under deadline
here, well... it's close enough.)
So
I'm wandering aimlessly up
and down the aisles of my
local franchise of the major
pharmacy-with-built-in-photo-lab
trying to kill time while
I wait the fifteen minutes
for them to fill my prescription
that will hopefully cure me
of GERD.
Lovely
name for an ailment, eh? But
more on that in another column.
Suffice it to say it's nothing
serious - mostly just annoying
- unless of course you happen
to use your voice to make
a living like, um, say, a
singer/songwriter or something.
Now
the thing about fifteen minutes
is that it's not long enough
to feel like you should leave,
thus driving all the way home
and necessitating a second
trip back to the pharmacy
at later time. Yet it IS just
long enough to completely
run out of things to look
at, even after you thumb through
every magazine. Twice.
So
I'd drifted from the interesting
aisles (like magazines, stationary,
cheap plastic toys and food
stuff) through the boring
aisles (like hair spray, shampoos,
and a million little scrunchie
things to tie back your hair)
into the REALLY dull aisles
(like diet medications and
shoe polish) when I saw it.
It
was placed prominently on
the top shelf right next to
the condoms and KY jelly,
just on the fringe of the
herbal remedies and vitamins
section. It's label was black
with bright red bold lettering
screaming out at me: Horny
Goat Weed.
Yes,
that's what I said - Horny
Goat Weed. And the next line
of the label elaborated a
bit just in case you couldn't
get enough of a visual from
the name itself - "Nature's
Aphrodisiac".
Now
before I start getting hate
mail from Bob Dole lovers,
let me just say that there
is nothing funny about erective
dysfunction (well, so I'm
told). I'm sure it's a serious
issue for those afflicted
in much the same way that
GERD sounds like a silly,
stupid problem to those who
don't have it.
I'm
just saying that I think I
would rather swallow my pride
and talk to my doctor about
hooking me up with Viagra
before I EVER contemplated
walking up to the register
of a store in my hometown
carrying a bottle of something
called 'Horny Goat Weed."
I
mean, if I had a problem.
Which
I don't.
According
to Discovery.com this Horny
Goat stuff might actually
be legit. Apparently it got
its name because it grows
wild on the hills and ancient
people thought it could be
useful after watching the
effect it had on the goats
who ate it. For over 2000
years people have been using
this stuff as an aphrodisiac
to increase libido in men
and women as well as helping
to correct erective dysfunction.
Now it actually holds an important
place in Traditional Chinese
Medicine.
Of
course, the web is rife with
places offering to sell it
side by side with those all-natural
metabolism-boosting weight
loss herbs. They even have
testimonials from folks whose
lives have been changed by
Horny Goat Weed and swear
that it made them the lover
they longed to be. But you
know better than to believe
anything you read on the web....
I
certainly understand the DESIRE
for a natural means of solving
medical problems. It seems
like every day the scientists
tell us that the wonder-drug
cocktail of chemicals they
cooked up yesterday to solve
all of our problems is now
actually more dangerous than
the initial problem we were
trying to cure. Read the list
of side effects that come
with any prescription drug
and you'll understand. Viagra,
for example, will alleviate
your erectile dysfunction
but may also give you headaches,
facial flushing, stomach aches,
bluish vision, blurry vision
and sensitivity to light.
Makes
Horny Goat Weed sound pretty
good, doesn't it? But still
- couldn't they have changed
the name for marketing reasons?
I
mean:
"Hey
honey, I'm home! And I picked
up a little something to solve
that, um, problem! Yeah, it's
called 'Horny Goat Weed!'
Honey? Why are you leaving?"
This
column © 2002 Lee Totten.
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