As
Seen On TV
You
already know that all advertising
on television is targeted
towards a specific group of
people who the advertisers
assume will be watching when
the ad in question is running.
For example, during the afternoon
soaps advertisers (perhaps
archaically) assume that more
women than men will be watching.
Therefore the commercials
you see will feature more
items like pantyhose, cosmetics
and the always popular feminine
hygiene products. Sunday afternoon
during the football games
you're probably going to see
commercials targeting men:
trucks, junk food, and beer.
And so on.
I
give you this complimentary
Advertising 101 refresher
because lately I've become
really curious about what
sort of drooling, bottom-feeding.
anti-social, out-of-shape
freaks and mindless credit-card
wielding morons that the advertisers
assume are watching television
at 4AM.
I
ask, of course, because I
watch a lot of television
at 4 AM. And while it's true
that I could be in better
shape, I do have a credit
card and I occasionally drool,
I like to think that I fall
somewhat short of being a
freak or a moron. On most
days, anyway.
If
you've never felt like staying
up until the middle of the
night to see what your missing
then good for you. You haven't
missed much. Suffice it to
say that the old medicine
men who rolled into town with
concoctions and gadgets to
improve your life and fix
what ails you have traded
their horse-drawn carts for
cheap network affiliate time
and poorly-scripted infomercials.
After
the late night shows talk
shows run for the second time
that evening - and long after
more sensible folks have gone
to bed - there begins a series
of infomercials that, if you
believe them, will make you
wealthy, popular, 100 pounds
lighter and with and with
six-pack abs to boot. All
for only seven easy payments
of $99.95 which - to those
of us with at least a junior
high education - still sounds
a lot like 35 cents short
of $700.
Now
far be it from me to criticize
anyone's approach to marketing
- I am after all a guy who
has made a career out of being
the Jagermeister guy. But
I DO get to go to the Grammys
AND drink free Jager while
I'm there so hear me out:
First
of all, why do they always
get really in-shape famous
people to advertise fitness
gadgets. Really in-shape famous
people don't NEED fitness
gadgets. I know for a fact
that Chuck Norris and Christy
Brinkley were both in great
shape long before whatever
contraption they pitch was
invented. They could be lying
on an inclined pile of Big
Macs sucking down a SuperSize
Fry with each exercise and
they would still be in great
shape.
Instead,
why don't they show some 300
pound middle-aged man with
poor eating habits using that
thing every day for a year.
Let's get some time lapse
of him using the gizmo and
still scarfing down McDonalds.
Show me that it really works
- maybe then I'll fork over
the cash.
Secondly:
call me a cynic, but I really
have trouble believing that
if I strap some pulsating
machine to my stomach, I'll
lose weight and develop great
abs. All of my experience
with weight loss and gain
comes down to the same basic
formula: if you want to lose
weight you have to increase
your aerobic exercise while
reducing your calories. Period.
Of
course, as a friend recently
quipped, when did we all start
wanting BULGING abdominal
muscles anyway? When did just
flat abs start being bad?
I'd be happy with just flat.
Thirdly:
Miss Cleo. Whatever.
And
finally: what's with all the
personal success pep talk
infomercials? The last thing
I really want to see at 4AM
when I'm sprawled on the couch
half-naked with a 12 Jager
buzz and a half a plate of
sloppy nachos on my lap is
a pep rally for financial
independence, personal wealth
and interpersonal relationships.
At that point making up the
stairs without vomiting or
tripping is my ultimate career
goal....
....unless
of course the tapes will teach
me how to make enough money
so that I could afford to
HIRE someone to carry me up
the stairs.... Hmmmm. Operators
ARE standing by....
This
column © 2002 Lee Totten.
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