My
Fellow Americans
All
I want to know is this: when
is it going to be okay for
me to get angry at my fellow
Americans again?
Don't
get me wrong - I'm trying
to do my part in America's
war on terrorism. I'm living
my life normally while being
on heightened alert, I'm suspicious
of all mail bearing New Jersey
postmarks, no return addresses,
or containing the words "Verizon"
or "AT&T," and I'm contemplating
supporting the economy by
purchasing any number of memorial
tee shirts, stickers, special-edition
magazines, flags and commemorative
videos.
It's
just that I'm having a problem
with this whole "united we
stand" thing.
You
see, every once and a while
I feel a certain amount of
animosity towards some of
my fellow Americans, specifically
the ones who cut me off on
the highway, or call me 15
times a day to offer me enrollment
in credit protection programs
that frankly, as a self-employed
musician, I'm not eligible
for anyway.
Now
normally I would say something
or express my displeasure
through gestures that can
be easily understood at 75
miles an hour. But these are
different times. Getting angry
at my brothers in arms would
be unpatriotic - it would
put me at odds with the unity
that is required of our nation
at this moment. It would make
me the weak link in America's
war on terrorism and believe
me I don't want to be the
one to let down my fellow
Americans.
I
would, however, like to let
LOOSE on at least one.
It
happened while I was playing
this club that becomes a karaoke
bar the minute the live acts
finish. I was returning from
a break, getting ready to
perform again for a bunch
of people all waiting to try
to do my job better than me
when this guy walked up asked
"Hey, can you play ANYTHING
from the 90s?"
He
mean it as an insult, because
apparently he'd hated every
song I'd played thus far.
I explained politely that
songs from the 1990s simply
weren't part of my show. "Sorry
man," I said as friendly as
I could and began my second
set.
He
went back to his corner of
the bar began shouting out
HIS requests after every song
I played. One beer later and
the requests turned into quaint
colloquialisms. I wondered
how he could hate me so much
that some lady massacring
"Free Bird" karaoke-style
was, in his eyes, a better
alternative.
But
I maintained my composure
because, well, we're in crisis
and he was a fellow American.
With
15 minutes left in the show
I launched into the Jagermeister
Song, my signature song and
the reason I have a career.
It was then that he decided
to critique the tempo at which
I played the very song I'm
known for.
Now
maybe the Tastee Freeze this
guy sweeps floors at exclusively
hires Berklee College of Music
graduates, but I doubted it.
I stopped the song cold and
snapped "Do you even KNOW
what song I'm playing?"
There
was no answer. It's all fun
until the guy with the PA
singles you out.
"I've
played this song 30,000 times,"
I said very deliberately,
as if explaining something
to a toddler. "I happen to
know for a fact that this
is the perfect tempo to play
it at."
He
didn't say another word and
I finished my show without
incident.
But
I'm feeling guilty - like
I've broken rank with the
rest of America. Yes, I refrained
from telling him exactly what
I thought about his lineage
and I'm reasonably sure the
international community didn't
notice that for one brief
moment not ALL Americans were
standing united.
But
what if it happens again?
What if some telemarketer
calls me when I'm feeling
cranky? What if some guy cuts
me off and I forget my patriotic
duty? I mean, I don't want
to be the weak link in America's
war on terrorism - I don't
want to be the one to let
my country down.
For
now I'm going to do what I
can to restrain myself and
stand united with my fellow
Americans. I may even buy
a few flag-and-eagle emblazoned
patriotic tee shirts as penance.
But rest assured I'll be counting
down the days until it's socially
acceptable to get back to
American traditions like yelling
at complete strangers or flipping
off random motorists.
Just
let me know, okay?
This
column © 2001 Lee Totten
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