Think
I'll Play The Lottery
I
hate buying lottery tickets.
I always feel as if the purchase
is an open admission to the
guy behind the counter that
despite the 40 billion to
one odds against, I'm gullible
enough to believe that I could
actually win. It's as if by
purchasing the ticket I'm
declaring to everyone in no
uncertain terms that I'm a
sucker, a patsy, a chump.
But
there's a point when a lottery
jackpot reaches $290 million
dollars where I figure that
I can deal with the shame.
Besides, even if the chances
of purchasing the winning
ticket are astronomically
small, I'm realistic enough
to acknowledge that the chances
of winning WITHOUT purchasing
a ticket are even smaller.
So
it was with the intention
of meeting fate halfway that
I headed in to my local convenience
store/gas station/superette
to pick up my chance to finally
ditch the currently transmission-less
"working musician" minivan
and buy that "rock star" Ferrari
355 GTS that I've always wanted.
I
figured it would be no big
deal - stand in line behind
a bunch of other folks also
purchasing lottery tickets
and I'd blend right in as
just another faceless drone
buying in to the whole lottery
madness.
Of
course the store was empty.
Well, except for one lady
in front of me purchasing
gasoline. I've NEVER stood
behind someone in a gas station
convenience store buying gasoline.
Cigarettes, yes. Lottery tickets,
yes. Condoms, yes. Never gasoline.
So
I asked the guy nervously
for five quick picks for Powerball.
I swear he stifled a snicker
before asking "Five quick
picks?" I know he knows I'm
a novice lottery player. "Um,
yeah. Five. Quick picks."
Now
let me explain: First of all,
I think winning is really
just a matter of dumb luck.
But still - five tickets is
five times the dumb luck without
seeming desperate, like if
you bought 100 tickets.
Secondly,
while I do have certain numbers
that I like, I wouldn't call
them lucky numbers because
as far as I can recall, I've
never actually WON anything
using them. And since it seems
that every time I actually
TRY to win something I don't,
I figure that my approach
to picking numbers should
show as little effort as possible.
Quick picks allow me the physical
chance of winning without
any emotional commitment to
the notion of winning.
Besides,
I've always hated getting
stuck behind people who make
a big deal out of buying tickets.
You know the kind - they get
$30 worth of scratch tickets
and then proceed to rub them
off right there at the counter.
When they do win $5 they immediately
give it to the clerk and start
purchasing more scratch tickets
while you stand there patiently
with your diet Coke. And rather
than spend the $5 on one ticket,
they get five $1 tickets,
all different games. The poor
clerk is furiously trying
to tear the tickets on the
perforation while the lottery
player says "No, no, no, no
- I want the EASY MONEY ticket,
not the Easy Rider one." By
the time the clerk grabs all
the correct tickets the player
has another $5 winner and
the process continues repeatedly
until finally, after winning
35 but spending 70 to do so,
the player finally leaves
feeling like he's a winner
or something.
"Same
ticket?" my clerk asked, which
apparently is the hard-core
"lottery player speak" way
of asking if I want all five
of my separate quick picks
on the same piece of paper.
I thought he was asking if
I wanted the same quick pick
numbers on five tickets so
I said "Separate tickets are
fine" as if it was an easier
option. I realized my mistake
when he shot me a look like
I'd just insulted his mother.
I
waited nervously while the
machine slowly printed five
SEPERATE tickets.
"Here
you go," the guy said with
some disdain as he handed
me my tickets. Then, with
sarcasm oozing in his voice
he said "Good luck." He knows
I'm actually gullible enough
to believe that I could win.
Ha
ha Mr. Convenience Store Clerk
- the last laugh is on you.
Those quick picks you gave
me did actually turn out to
be winners. Maybe I didn't
win the grand prize of 290
million, or even the second
prize of $100,000. But I did
win 9th prize, beating 1:74
odds and am $3 richer today.
Which,
minus the $5 I spent on tickets,
leaves negative $2 in my Ferrari
fund.
It
sure feels great to be a winner!
This
column © 2001 Lee Totten
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