Unanswered
Questions
Back
when this column was a half-a-page
rant about nothing in my college
newspaper, I once listed a
series of questions that I
wanted answers to. They ranged
from the practical ("How do
they get the filling into
the Twinkies?") to the theoretical
("What is the meaning of life?").
A lot of people had a lot
of really useless knowledge
and even wrote in to tell
me the answers to many of
the questions.
Well,
it's not college anymore,
but I still have a lot of
questions. And since I already
know how great YOU guys are
as readers (since every time
I ponder ANYTHING someone
writes in to give me the answers,
like all about how banks deal
with checks) I figured maybe
it's time to pose some more
of my unanswered questions.
Here goes:
Q:
Am I supposed to choose paper
or plastic?
Hey
- sometimes I actually feel
positively environmental and
I want to do the right thing
- so is it better to kill
more trees to make natural
PAPER bags or better to use
synthesized plastic that might
kill seagulls or something?
And why, when I do ask for
paper, do they still put the
paper bag inside a plastic
bag first? Wouldn't that be
paper AND plastic?
Q:
Are voice mail systems meant
to be a convenience or a deterrent
to the customer?
It's
a foregone conclusion that
certain large companies with
names that rhyme with Verizon,
AT&T and Sovereign Bank really
no longer give a damn about
any kind of personalized customer
service. So do they really
think that the confusing and
endless automated computer
voice mail systems that prompt
you to enter '1' for this
and '2' for that are supposed
to benefit customers, or is
it just their way of stating
unequivocally that they don't
care enough to let me talk
to a "customer service representative?"
I mean, no amount of button
pressing through stupid menus
will tell me why my bank is
so fundamentally incompetent
but it does make me want to
drive to the nearest branch
and park my car in the lobby.
Q:
Why does every restaurant
insist on having a dumb singing
birthday ritual?
Where
did this come from?! Did the
restaurant chains not want
to pay the royalties to sing
'Happy Birthday?' Nothing
says birthday more than a
dozen disinterested employees
trying to clap their hands
while holding sparklers sing
some strange derivation of
happy birthday while staring
vacantly past the table.
Q:
Have we really gotten so stupid
that our envelopes need opening
instructions on them?
Maybe
its my fault for reading them,
but when a check from a large
media company arrived and
it said in 18 point type on
the front "For opening instructions,
please read the reverse side"
I had to look. It's an envelope
people.
Q:
Why do people scream for 'Free
Bird' at every live show?
Was
there a live Lynard Skynard
album or something that made
this a nightly ritual for
those of us in the music biz?
Q:
Why do people STILL think
that if they forward an email
to all their friends that
they'll win a free dinner,
a trip to Disneyland, or a
gift certificate to Old Navy?
A
little adage - if it seems
to good to be true, it probably
is - especially on the internet.
No company is going to give
you gift certificates just
for forwarding an email, and
no little kid dying of cancer
is ever going to know if you
forwarded his dying wish to
all of your buddies. Email
doesn't work that way.
Q:
Why do the same people who
decry the quality of music
seen on MTV utterly fail to
go and check out the local
and regional original music
happening every night in every
city?
The
only music that doesn't start
and struggle on a local music
scene before getting caught
up in the machinery of the
big time music biz are boy
bands. If you like boy bands
then there's no need to support
the local original music scene
- Lou Perlman will be manufacturing
some more pop stars for you
soon. But if you like real
music, real artistry and musicians
with something to say then
get off your damn couch and
go check out local bands.
Q:
Why do so many cigarette smokers
feel the need to throw their
cigarettes out the car window
when they're done.
On
the whole cigarette smoking
doesn't bother me. I don't
smoke but last time I checked
it was still legal. The one
thing I do mind is when some
yahoo flips his still lit
cigarette out the window of
his car on the highway and
I watch as it careens off
my hood and paint job. Problem
is it happens pretty much
every day. Maybe people wouldn't
pick on the cigarette smokers
so much if they showed a little
more consideration.
Q:
How come the things that are
the worst for us always taste
the best?
Me
and my slow metabolism want
to know. Is this some cruel
joke?
This
column © 2001 Lee Totten
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