Love,
Inc.
I'm
sure it's no coincidence that
it arrived so close to Valentine's
Day - a small, nondescript
envelope from The Relationship
Company, tagline "When Love
Needs A Strategy." It was
addressed personally to me
- well, to resident anyway.
And while technically I don't
RESIDE in the post office
box, I am the box holder which
makes me the closest thing
to the resident.
So
I open the envelope to find
a letter that begins "Dear
Single Friend:" Rapture! All
these years of searching and
I've finally got a friend!
My friend even has an office
in the town next to me, a
business reply address in
the same state and a bulk
rate postage stamp from Sioux
City Iowa! I can even call
my FRIEND toll-free!
My
friend tells me in the letter
that I've been putting everyone
else ahead of myself. I barely
give myself the time or the
opportunity to "meet that
special person who can help
you begin enjoying the finer
things in life again."
They
astutely point out that dating
in the 90's is a lot different
than it is on TV, in the movies
and in romance novels. I think
my friend is correct, even
if they don't realize that
it's no longer the 90s and
that TV, movies and romance
novels are both fictitious
and designed to be dramatic
works. But hey - they're from
Iowa.
My
friend even offers to help
me find that special someone.
They even suggest an eight-step
solution. Among the highlights:
- "Step
4. The Magic: Usually in
a matter of only a few weeks,
we will contact you with
a match."
Wow
- I can find someone significant
through no effort of my own!
and imagine that magical moment
- the phone call, the "Mr.
Totten, we've found someone!"
Wonder if I'll hear violins.
- "Step
6. The First Date: You're
finally on your way to personal
fulfillment. Enjoy it!"
Yes,
because as I've learned time
and time again, it's best
to seek your own personal
fulfillment in another person.
That's a formula for success.
- "Step
7. The Reviews: We will
contact you to find out
exactly how everything went,
evaluate your situation,
and make recommendations
about the next step."
Yikes
- and I thought reviews of
my music were a little personal
sometimes. "Well, Lee wasn't
a great kisser, but he did
have really big feet...."
- "Step
8. The Next Step: Here's
where we help you decide
what to do next, and when."
Geez,
if after three decades on
this planet I can't decide
for myself what to do next
and when then truthfully,
it's no wonder that I'm single.
My
friend then tells me that
if I've read this far that
I have a serious attitude
towards relationships and
am willing to do it right.
That or I need a column idea.
Or maybe I just enjoy platitudes
designed top make me feel
better about using their cheesy
service.
The
survey looks like it was photocopied
off of the registration form
for my new CD burner - well,
except that I can choose what
interests I would like to
share with someone - Competitive
Sports, Outdoor Pursuits,
Cultural Activities, Dancing,
Music or Other.
And
then there's this paragraph
that, quite honestly, I feel
compelled to print in its
entirety, with their emphasis
and capitol letters. Read
it slowly and read it twice:
- "When
we gaze at someone in a
GREAT RELATIONSHIP we often
think they have something
we don't. We are led to
believe that only a few
of us have the stuff it
takes to be in a great relationship.
Only a FEW of us will ever
become famous, save a life,
make a million dollars,
or maybe even hit 70 home
runs, but EVERY SINGLE ONE
OF US is asked to be a leader,
a captain or a hero in our
regular lives. We don't
admire a great relationship
to marvel at how fortunate
someone else is in their
life. We admire a great
relationship ONLY to remind
ourselves what is possible
in our own."
This
inspirational message brought
to you not by the Buddha,
but by my new friend at The
Relationship Company, tagline:
"When love needs a strategy."
Maybe
that IS what I need - a strategy.
I'll put together a business
plan for wooing my future
companion, raise some venture
capital (hey man - dinners
out can get pricey), do some
advertising (too bad the Superbowl
is over) and be on the road
to a happy, fulfilling, lifelong
relationship....
Well,
at least until the relationship
fails to meet investor expectations....
then it may be time for some
relationship downsizing.
"Sorry
honey, it's just not gonna
work - the investors were
expecting you to at least
keep a toothbrush at my place
by now...."
This
column © 2001 Lee Totten
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