Decision
2000
It's
decision time America - time
to carefully examine the issues
affecting our country, spiritedly
debate with our neighbors, research
the views and opinions of the
leading candidates and, after
much reflection, responsibly
choose the man who will lead
our country for the next four
years.
Yeah
right.
It's
time to catch the latest media-generated
sound bite on CNN while we
switch from ESPN to ESPN Classic,
gossip with the toll booth
collector about the latest
"big" scandal like the candidate
who wore unmatched socks,
check the most recent USA
Today opinion poll to make
sure that it's still cool
to vote for the guy we like
and, if we're desperate enough
to get out of work for a few
hours, go and vote for the
candidate we knew we were
going to vote for a year ago
when all this nonsense started.
I'm
not saying it's right - I'm
just saying welcome to America
in the year 2000.
Ah,
but you, my gentle readers,
are different. You are thoughtful,
compassionate people. So in
the interest of public discussion,
I have a few things for your
consideration before you make
your choice in the ballot
booth. I feel that these issues
are at least as defining as
anything presented by the
major news organizations....
MERCHANDISE:
Both
candidates have an extensive
collection of merchandise
for sale,. but George W. Bush's
is simply has cooler. Plus
he has that really snazzy
W. logo on everything.
Most
expensive item in the Bush
merchandise? $95 silver cufflinks
with the W. logo. Perfect
if you're one of the wealthiest
one percent who saves money
with his tax cut proposal.
Most
expensive item in the Gore
collection? The $45 embroidered
denim shirt. The best way
to pretend you're blue collar
while still having your standards
of wealth.
WEBSITES:
Al
Gore may not have invented
the internet, but he definitely
seems to know how to use it
better. Gore's official website
is professional but folksy.
Colorful cartoon graphics
make it a breeze to navigate.
You can even have campaign
updates loaded into your palm
and you can check out the
live webcam from Gore headquarters.
The
Bush site, on the other hand,
is drab. Graphics are simple.
Nothing really cool - just
a generic looking site designed
to tell you everything wrong
with Al Gore and, oh yeah,
a reason or two to vote for
George W.
JUST
FOR KIDS:
Both
politicians feature a section
for kids on their websites.
Al Gore's site has a quiz
to help you memorize the names
of everyone in the Gore family.
I know - it's hard to contain
your excitement. Makes you
wonder why people think Al
is a little, um, bland.
Bush,
on the other hand, has a feature
comparing running for president
to professional baseball.
The analogy includes the regular
season (pre-season) and the
world series (general election).
Yeah, except you don't get
to wear a cute, form-fitting
uniform in the White House
and, thankfully for us all,
Roger Clemens doesn't have
access to the United States'
nuclear arsenal.
PETS:
Al
Gore has a dog named Daisy
that, the website tells us,
the Gores found "abandoned
and injured." They nursed
it back to health. End of
story. Again, maybe Al could
find someone to spark a little
life into both that story
and his public persona.
Meanwhile,
humanitarian of the year George
W. Bush supposedly tells the
story of his cat Ernie to
little kids. One day the Bush
family dog, uniquely named
- get this - Spot, was barking
because of a hungry stray
cat stuck in a tree. The governor
tried to rescue the cat but
he wouldn't come down. The
next morning, the cat finally
climbed into George W.'s arms
and now lives happily with
the family. The moral? One
day you might be hungry and
bedraggled but the next you
may be well-fed, warm, and
living in a Texas mansion.
Yeah,
okay - maybe if your ex-president
daddy and his rich friends
continuously bail you out
as you run oil company after
oil company into bankruptcy
until, after failing at everything
else, you somehow become the
Governor of Texas. Most of
us working folks would still
be stuck in the damned tree.
I
don't know about you, but
it's going to be tough to
make a choice this year. Good
luck.
This
column © 2000 Lee Totten
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