Roses
Are Red
So
I'm perusing the website of
floral delivery giant FTD trying
do pick out an appropriate bouquet
of flowers. Something slightly
romantic, something that subtly
states my underlying passion,
something that blatantly screams
"I'm sorry for screwing up."
Of
course, I know nothing about
flowers. I can identify a
rose nine times out of ten,
but beyond that I'm reduced
to identifying the different
floral variety the same way
an ex-girlfriend once chose
her favorite race cars - by
color. "Who do you want to
win?" I'd ask. "The purple
one," she'd state. "Isn't
this hyacinth gorgeous?" she'd
ask. "You mean that purple
thing?" I'd reply.
Fortunately
FTD is nice enough to even
break their selection of flowers
down into categories with
greeting card efficiency,
matching the bouquet with
the occasion. One click and
you're in the birthday section.
Another brings you to anniversaries.
There are sections for everything
from a new job to retirement.
There's even a section for
new homeowners. The only section
I can't seem to find is the
apology/I'm sorry section.
I
am astounded.
Let's
face facts - the primary motivating
factor in any man's decision
to purchase flowers is generally
to make amends. It could be
amends for something that
just happened, as in "yes
I know it's 8 AM but here
are some flowers - I'm sorry
for being a jerk last night"
variety, or amends to amend
previous amends as in "here
are some flowers on our anniversary,
sorry that I was three days
late with your present last
year." Yes, occasionally we
purchase flowers as a nice
romantic gesture, but usually
this is like screw-up insurance,
as in "yes I'm insensitive
and I messed up, but hey,
I bought you flowers last
month for no reason at all".
The
supermarkets have learned
that men but flowers to apologize
- you can bet that the 24-hour
mega-marts with their fully
stocked floral department
which can be accessed at 3AM
has saved more than one relationship.
And if you ask the clerks
who buys flowers in the middle
of the night, they'll tell
you men because women, of
course, plan their flower
purchases the way they also
plan buying most birthday
and christmas presents before
the actual day of the event.
Go figure.
And
of course the greeting card
companies learned along time
ago about the lucrative "I'm
sorry" market. The companies
have an entire line of apology
cards targeted just for men.
You can tell because 1) they
don't have soft focus pictures
of flowers covered with frosted
tissue paper on the front
and 2) they don't have a lot
of words in the card. They
generally feature a cartoon
or simple line drawing and
a sentiment boiled down simple
enough for us Neanderthal's
to grasp. Typical Hallmark
"I'm Sorry" card: frown face
on the front with the words
'Sorry.' Smile face inside
with the words 'Forgiven?'
Translated
from the native Male dialect,
this means "hey there honey
I'm really sorry for being
such an idiot, but I am a
guy, you know, and thus these
moments of insensitivity are
bound to happen, but I know
that and recognize that which
is why I bought you this card,
and I hope that this gesture
proves my willingness to battle
my inherent insensitivity
if only to prove my live to
you. Now can I please sleep
back in the bed?"
Oddly
enough, most women's expectations
for our ability to apologize
for our mistakes are so low
that the simple card and a
bouquet of grocery store flowers
actually counts as a meaningful
apology. Maybe it's just part
of the perpetual human dance
- we play the role of the
bumbling clod and they play
the role of the divine forgiver.
I
guess that's why I am so surprised
that FTD doesn't cater to
the huge apology market. Imagine
a whole section of flowers
just to say you're sorry.
There could be small bouquets
for the forgotten phone calls,
larger, more elaborate bouquets
for the late anniversary or
birthday gifts, and the huge
sequential bouquets delivered
time-release fashioned over
several days for the tremendous
blunders. And quite frankly,
going online and clicking
on the bouquet proportionate
to my mistake is better than
me having to figure out which
type of flower is appropriate
to say I'm sorry.
Maybe
I should send a copy of this
column to FTD, not just for
me, but for all men. Maybe
if I do they'll give me a
courtesy discount just for
being so concerned about their
bottom line. If not, over
time, I suppose I could always
try for a quantity discount.
This
column © 2000 Lee Totten
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