I'll
Gladly Pay You Tuesday...
I
have a problem.
This
became painfully evident last
week when, like a junkie looking
for his fix, I found myself
sitting at my desk at 11AM
on a Thursday trying to scrape
up enough small change to
head to the local Superette
to purchase a single six-pack
of diet Coke. With each nickel
added to my little stash,
my heart raced quicker and
my pupils dilated with excitement
as I realized that I was going
to have enough to get the
soda, even without being reduced
to paying in pennies. Not
that I wouldn't stoop that
low.
The
reality is that I would probably
run over my mother if she
stood between me and my diet
Coke. Caffeine is my drug,
and diet Coke is my vehicle
of choice. Well, short of
direct intravenous injection.
I need to have at least two
cans of the stuff in the morning
before I can function, one
in the middle of the morning
just to perk me up, another
mid-afternoon for a boost,
one with dinner and then maybe
one or two before bed just
to calm my nerves. That's
bare minimum, mind you.
I
no longer think about the
sheer volume of diet Coke
that I consume on an annual
basis - suffice it to say
that it's in quantities that
would kill laboratory rats.
And much like a smoker, I'm
sure that there will be physiological
consequences later in life
for my rampant and unapologetic
abuse of caffeine and phosphoric
acid. But there will also
be grave consequences for
me and everyone around me
if I don't keep myself caffeinated
to the gills throughout the
day.
You
see, I am not a morning person.
As has been well-documented
by ex-girlfriends and friends
alike, I never rise and shine.
Rise and grunt, yes. Rise
and shine, not so much. I
have destroyed countless alarm
clocks over the years for
the unforgivable sin of irritating
me before 11AM. If the fast
food restaurants are still
serving breakfast, I don't
want to be awake.
Now
I know that many of you think
that this whole musician thing
is a pretty cushy deal. I
only work a few hours at a
time, people buy me alcohol,
and my days are pretty much,
well, wide open. And you wouldn't
be entirely incorrect. But
there are many occasions when
I have to get up early - really
early. Like even before 9:30.
I'm here to tell you that
I would not survive without
caffeine.
To
some it might seem strange
to get your morning caffeine
in soda. I've just never acquired
a taste for coffee, and diet
Coke gives me everything morning
coffee would - sugar and caffeine
- but with bubbles too. It's
fun that way.
I
wouldn't even say that diet
Coke is my favorite soda -
I still prefer a good birch
beer or root beer, and regular
Coke tastes a lot better than
the diet variety. But when
you figure that I drink the
equivalent of ten tanker-trucks
full of soda a year, I think
perhaps it's best for my weight
that I drink the diet soda.
And lets face facts: choosing
your favorite diet soda is
a little like choosing your
favorite presidential candidate
- you know it's never going
to meet your expectations
or be everything you want,
so you resign yourself to
picking that which you dislike
the least. I remember once
drinking the utterly joyless
cola Diet Rite - a soda so
health-conscious that it is
caffeine, sugar, sodium and
flavor-free. Really, that's
about as useful as sugar-free
chocolate. I'd rather have
a water.
The
problem now, of course, is
that my caffeine tolerance
is so high that it takes even
more of the stuff just to
keep me going, never mind
buzzed. I can drink caffeine
at 1AM and then fall right
asleep. I remember after one
particularly long show in
New York City heading towards
Massachusetts on the Merrit
Parkway at 4 AM. I was exhausted,
so to perk myself up I took
three NoDoze, injested one
Snickers bar, two Jolt colas
(all the sugar, twice the
caffeine) and a diet Coke.
It didn't even make me jittery
and I still had to stop thirty
minutes later to take a nap.
Recently,
the local SuperMegaMassiveMarket
had a "buy one, get two free"
sale on all Coca-Cola products.
Unfortunately for them, I
found out. The good news is
that with cases of diet Coke
now stacked up in the basement
I won't be scraping for change
trying to get just enough
money for one more six pack.
Well,
at least not until next week.
This
column © 2000 Lee Totten
|
